I said that I would make a post about it, so here it is. I had posted a photo of a cup with some brown liquid in it on my story a while back. This is that story. Some of you knew what it was, and some of you asked. I’m here to tell.  

I had been dealing with insecurities, self hate, depression and anxiety from about 8 years old, on. Being hardcore bullied for half my life was a driving force in that. I had tried a lot of things from antidepressants, happy pills, to looking for therapy ( fail). I had exhausted most of my options, and ayahuasca had been calling me for about two years or so. I did a lot of research on it and read up on peoples experiences, and every story I read was positive. I knew this was what I needed to do. 

I had been dealing with insecurities, self hate, depression and anxiety…

After my last panic attack, that was my last straw and I immediately booked my ceremony. I couldn’t take the pain and suffering anymore and I wanted to be “healed”, so to speak. I was scared shitless, don’t be fooled. I spoke with the shaman and she recommended I went for two days. I had a few concerns, one being “will I shit myself?”.  And no, I didnt. But being in a room with several people going on their own purging journey was also going to be interesting- so the two days were recommended in case I didn’t get what I needed the first day. 

About two weeks before, you start a very strict diet. I had to cut out all stimulants including any medication I was taking, coffee sugar and even salt, as It can interfere with the sacrament. ( I’m currently still following that diet). About three days before the ceremony, you have to go on an even stricter diet that consists of only raw foods like fruit, uncooked vegetables and fish for protein. It’s recommended that you continue doing it for as long as you can after as well. ( I’ve lost 10 pounds since then and I finally feel back to myself pre Covid)

The day of, I was so nervous I was crying all the way there. I was crying for a lot of reasons… I was worried what I would see, I was worried if Mother Ayahuasca would show me all of my demons and how scary it would be. I was worried that I would see people die or feel trapped. I didnt know what to expect… it’s not like your ordinary hallucinogen…

The stories I read of people and their experiences said that it did change their life, but they had to go through hell in order to get there… And that scared me. 

The experience was amazing. I was blessed enough to have 8 guardians watching over me with only three people taking their journeys. So I felt even more safe. The ceremony started at 7:00pm and before we were served our first cup we go around the circle and talk about what our intentions and prayers are. I expressed that I felt a disconnect between my inner child and my soul. I felt that I had abandoned her, I feel lost and need to be reconnected in order to love myself again and to be happy. 

First sip time. Tastes like a thick molasses.  I’ve drank worse. You can start light, medium or deep. Obviously I went light, cus ya girl was scared. The lights dimmed, and we waited for 30 minutes until something started happening, after that one of the guardians begins playing music either with their voice, one of the instruments there or both. It was beautiful. After my first sip, I finally stopped tearing up and felt more relaxed. My heart started to race, and I could see a filter over my vision which looked like a frosted glass… I knew that the medicine was starting to kick in. I was sitting there waiting for something else to happen… It didn’t.

I think I was more self conscious about throwing up in a bucket in front of all these nice people than really letting the medicine do it’s job.

But that’s why you’re there. An hour later it was time for the second serving. You can maintain, refrain or go deeper. I went deeper. I wasn’t about to not have an experience after everything that I’ve been through, how long it took me to finally get to where I was. I was there. I wanted change, so I pushed past my fear and I went deeper.

After my sip, I went outside to look at the stars… Which looked like I was looking into the Milky Way Galaxy; it was crazy. Once I went back inside, the music began again, and there was one particular song that just kicked everything in full force. I mean… I closed my eyes and I was FLYING through the the synapsis and wiring of my brain. I starting bawling my eyes out. A purge. 

I cried my eyes out for about six minutes straight.. sobbing… Releasing any and all sadness I was holding on to. That’s when more than just tears came up, it was time I had introduced my face with the base of my bucket. In child’s pose, I knelt over my bucket and projectile vomited. I mean… it was like demons were coming out of me because…. Our diet was so small – there was nothing In my stomach— what is this!? I open my eyes and the bucket is covered in geometric shapes and colors… outlining bucket…

I look at my hands and they look like demon hands.

That’s when I sat up to look around and feel grounded. It took one second for me to feel grounded and I laid back down again. This is when I had my deep conversation with Mother Ayahuasca. 

She showed me the three year old me, small curly haired, alone and crying. She reminded me to not be hard on her and instead of shaming her, go grab her hand and tell her that everything‘s all right. I understood. I grabbed the three-year-old me’s hand and told her everything will be alright. 

I had this huge rush of compassion and wanting nurture people. Instead of feeling uncomfortable about the other people in the room purging I wanted to go help them because I felt bad. I cried more and laughed some, Because it’s such a simple concept but it just clicked In my brain in that one moment.

It was then that I was reconnected with my inner child and I felt loved.

The music that the guardians were playing syncopated with the experience I was going through. 

I then saw my husbands face. It was so vivid – it was like he was right there like I could open my eyes and he would be there. I saw both of our faces blending together into one. This helped me understand that we are one person and that everyone on this planet is one person and that because now I can be kind to myself I need to be kind to him and everyone else… because we are all one person. Being kind to everyone is being kind to myself. 

I remember speaking out loud and apologizing and saying I’m sorry for not being as loving as I could. 

I then saw my mom. She was holding me as a child when I was younger… And then that moved into me holding her as an older woman.  It was my time to now be the mother.  I understood all of her pain that she had went through growing up, and everything that she sacrificed for me. I genuinely cared about how hard she works and how selfless she is. I spoke out loud “I love you” several times. 

I didn’t care about anything else, I didn’t care about any of the mean things that people called me in the past, I didn’t care about any negativity that the outside world brought to me. It didn’t matter anymore. It didn’t what my feelings were anymore… All I cared about in that moment was how my loved ones are feeling. I put the priority on being selfless, empathetic and nurturing. I no longer have the time to overthink and let the negativity take control of my day, I only have the time to think about the ones I love- that took place of everything. 

The last thing I saw was me playfully throwing up a little boy with brown curly hair into the air. Was he my miscarriage? Was it a future son? Either way I was happy to see him.. and excited to meet all my children. I saw two other young boys and a little girl. ( I’m crying while writing this). Before this experience, I always wanted a little girl… And I understand now that maybe the reason why I wanted a little girl was to replace my inner child that I had abandoned. To make up for the one I left behind. Now, I don’t care if I have a son or a daughter. I can’t wait to meet either of them.

Being reconnected with my inner child has healed so many areas for me that I didn’t even think I need healed. 

I remember asking mother ayahuasca about my career and what I need to do next or why I feel blocked there… She told me I can ask that tomorrow but right now we have to focus on the root of the problem today. I said okay. 

As I began to come to, I was just overwhelmed with love, happiness…. Kindness. I felt so free and happy. Of course today as I write this.. I don’t feel the exact same way I felt after the ceremony… And I still have my ups and downs, but they’re manageable… There are so many issues I was having that I can positively say I do not have anymore. They’re just..gone… I don’t think about any past trauma… it doesn’t effect me. It’s no longer in the forefront of my brain, my thoughts. I don’t have anxiety. I don’t shame myself. I love myself. I’ve never loved myself more. I love people. I love my husband and family and I want to put my needs aside to help them. It’s really a crazy feeling. 

Would I do it again? 1000% Absolutely. Was my 2nd day the same? Absolutely not- and that’s a story for another day. To be continued….